PLEASE HELP ASAP!

One factor that hinders, blocks, and stops our mental, emotional, spiritual, and communicative growth is the fear of expression, the fear to discuss/acknowledge our feelings, the fear to share our thoughts, and the feat to be internally free. Many people stifle their feelings walking around for a life time residing with toxic waste that is longing to be released, but cannot find an open channel of escape. Free To Be Me is an open forum where people can freely dislodge their waste and in-turn receive wise feedback. Therefore, I invite you to come on out of your shell and flow. I dare you to be free. 
Blessings, 
Love Free   

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Dear Free 
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I will call myself Please HELP ASAP! I am a 30-year-old married female with 5 children I married young at the age of 19. I have a loving and supportive husband. He is a good father and a good provider. I have never had to work a day in my life. Dave (I will call him) has always done that. My children are ages 1, 3, 5, 6, and 9 years old. My problem is I am verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive towards my husband. I curse him out daily. I have not made love to him in what seems like years. I kicked him out of the bedroom. I ignore him when he talks to me. I won’t cook for him. I do cook but only enough for me and the kids. He works really long hours. I know he is dead tired when he comes home, but I will retreat to my room and leave the children with him knowing he is dog beat. I really don’t know why he stays with me. He is very humble. He has never hit me, cursed me, or ignored me. I can’t stand his weakness. In fact, I despise it. I don’t respect him for allowing me to do these things to him. I don’t even know why I do it. I can say that I was raised in an abusive household. My mother was extremely abusive to my father. I loved my dad. I was his little girl, but inwardly, I despise his cowardice. I know what I am getting ready to say will sound crazy. However, I am going to say it anyway. “I love my husband.” I just want my repulsive behavior to stop. This has been going on for 9 years now. I just want to be happy like we once were so very long ago. It is me but I just don’t know why I get pleasure out of hurting him.
 Sincerely,
Please Help ASAP!
 

 Dear Please Help ASAP 
I want to first applause you for seeking feedback. Many folks will not admit when they are doing wrong. Moreover, they will not seek help for change. I perceive from what you are saying that you have a very good husband. In addition, it sounds like you nor your children have not wanted for anything. Since you confess that you love him, and you recognize the need for immediate help (ASAP), I feel it is safe to say that you want your marriage to work. I want to encourage you to seek professional help. There may be some suppressed and repressed childhood trauma. I don’t know if you are members of a church, a Mosque or what/if you have a spiritual affiliation, but if so, pastoral counseling (if you are a Christian) is a good first start or an Iman’s guidance (If you are a Muslim). Also, a therapist can help you get to the core of many unresolved issues.  Find one which specializes in cognitive therapy and in the parent, adult, and child therapeutic model. These models are mere suggestions. A therapist will decide what is the best therapeutic approach.  In the meanwhile, try to identify your triggers, note days and times by keeping a journal. This will help your counselor with developing an effective treatment plan with you. When you begin to feel explosive, separate to another part of the house, call someone, or go over a friends. Please do this right away. We both know that people get tired and retaliate; we never know and it may happen immediately. With others, it may take years like your husband.  Remember; the life you save may be your own. Please write again, I care. 
Blessings
Free
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